home again
how do you talk about five weeks of being on tour?
you don't.
it will trickle in like dreams of overflowing toilets and half filled glasses of wine and then be thrown at you when you don't expect it.

one thing i didn't expect is that i would go to a yoga class 2 days after i was back and find it not as difficult as before tour. i think i built up some arm strength from carrying bags around on trains. i felt like i was in roller derby for a while....fresh bruises showing up daily from how i balanced the merch suitcase against my leg and inner arm running up flights of stairs. my favorite one was five mini bruises on the inside of my forearm. they are yellow now.

this was a really good tour. not that the other ones weren't in comparison....but i noticed something different this time. firstly, our playing. the shows were very fun. i felt more connected to matt and had more endurance (i blame dancing on this. also the yoga/dancing totally improved my singing--how you ask? by improving my POSTURE...it took a while to figure this out but it was just easier to sing and play when i was sitting up really straight...so i wasn't leaning forward straining to sing....sounds very obvious i know but sometimes you don't figure these things out right away). i loved playing all our new songs that we hadn't yet played to death! now we have but it's okay.
secondly, the weather was nice! it was sunny and warm for almost all of april.
we always tour in the fall or winter when it's freezing--so this was a pleasant turn of events.
thirdly...we got vinyl! and it's beautiful and we should be getting more from our german label soon.
fourthly....my anxiety about certain things (being on time, riding in cars, etc) usually flares up on tours - but this time was a lot better.
i was better at dealing with stuff
taking walks taking breaths
and writing. freaking out if i had to- not fighting it and somehow that made me not freak out as much.
fifthly...the shows were promoted well
with only a couple exceptions
and having people bob heads
and take it all in
was a joy
and a privilige.

touring is a strange time warp.
i think it was amanda palmer who said it was emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausting and it is all those things.
i mean, it is ALL those things.
you think god damn fucking shit
i have nothing in me to give tonight
i'm tired i didn't sleep all i ate was fries today please just get me a bed so i can lie down.
and then it comes the realization
that you can open yourself
to experience
and that you
have so much more in yourself than you thought you did.

i don't have it all figured out yet
but it's about letting yourself just go through whatever it is that's there
and using it along with energy/effort/intention
and going on to the next moment
being present
very similar to an actor finding the truth in moments...

so much around the show is tiring....
it is work to haul gear, to organize, to be one's own tour manager, to coordinate,
get what you need, what time do we have to leave the next day? , etcetera....
not to mention the show...oh yeah! hello! this is the reason! give me some time to warm up
set up, sound check, play my heart out, go to the merch table,
break down equipment
and figure out where we are staying.
we were really lucky to have maes with us in germany
he helped with the drum set up and break down every night and drove our asses around.
it was really nice. since we can't afford a tour manager - maes' help was the closest thing and it meant a lot....
we did have a minor car accident in colmar, france.
a drunk lady rammed our van after we had left the venue...but because it wasn't maes' fault we were able to get a new rental van the next day and made it on time to our darmstadt show.
kind of shakes you up though
we were on edge a couple days after that.
you realize in one second
god i'm lucky.
i'm alive and doing what i want to do
i almost cried at our darmstadt show i was so happy
and thankful.

i will write more
i have a notebook i scribbled stuff down in
this is just vent off top of my head.

being home is heavenly right now.
i got some new plants today and repotted a couple old ones
watching a buttload of movies.